1. This is going to be easy!
I mean, my friend’s sister’s cousin’s dog-walker was job-hunting for just two weeks and got three full-time job offers. Companies were practically recruiting her! I’m well-qualified, too, and I’m awesome! HR will love me. This shouldn’t take long…
2. Wait, I need to send them what?
Why does this company want my résumé, a cover letter, a CV, a video I produced, a personality test, three published writing clips, three references, and a singing telegram delivered straight to their door? And why do they need to know which household appliance best represents me?
I guess I’m a microwave? I mean, I use it all the time to heat up my instant ramen. But seriously, is this an application for an entry-level job or for the FBI? I have so many questions…
3. What the actual heck is a CV?
Oh, so it’s called a curriculum vitae? How fancy. Wait, they want my education, work experience, interests, awards, publications, conference presentations, teaching experience, and references? Are they even going to care that I was a shift manager at Dave’s Hot Dog Shack? Where am I supposed to get teaching experience on such short notice? Any conferences I can present at like, tomorrow? Help me!
4. Why does this company want me to have 10 years of experience?
They think I should have started working in accounting when I was 12? They do know I’m only 22, right? Right?!
Ugh, I wish I were still 12. Life was easy back then because… no job applications. Sleepovers every weekend, my first crush, my first bra… Oh, wait, never mind; I never want to go back. Job applications it is, I guess!
5. So, I need to have experience to get experience… how?
So meta. Am I in The Matrix or something? This whole job application thing is making my head spin…
Seriously, though: How am I supposed to get two years of administrative experience when no one will hire me as an administrative assistant? Time to pray to the Employment Gods, or really, whichever higher power can help me find a job!
6. Yes! They finally want me for an interview!
Finally! An interview! This calls for the good (read: not boxed) wine! 2-buck Chuck it is!
Hmmm… I guess I should practice for the big day! They’re definitely going to ask what my biggest weakness is; they love it when you can spin it into a strength, but they hate it when you say, “perfectionism.” So, what do I tell them? I can’t whistle, I’ll never be an Olympian, I can’t flirt over text… I’ll have to think about that one. Like, a lot.
Wait, what should I wear? I want to look professional, but not like I’m trying too hard. Does this blazer say, “I’m young, I’m fun, and I get the job done?” Do heels or flats look best with these pants? Stacy London, where are you?
7. I think the interview went really well!
So, I had to think for a bit when they asked me what my three favorite types of water are, but I seriously killed the rest of the interview! The HR guy even laughed at my jokes! They’ve got to hire me, right?
8. That didn’t go well at all.
Oh. A rejection. They “want to go in a different direction?” Which direction? Does anyone have directions for me because I’m lost.
Did I show too much of my personality? Not enough? Did that interviewer really like my joke, or was he faking it? Did I answer that dang “weaknesses” question wrong? Was my outfit not on point? Stacy London, where are you?
I guess this is what it feels like to fail. I do not like it.
9. If I receive one more rejection…
So, apparently, there are like, 200 different ways to reject someone from a job. “We’re looking for something different,” “We’ve decided to move forward with another candidate.” “Thank you for your time.” Linda, if you really cared about my time, you would have hired me!
8 rejections today? I’ve really got to step up my résumé game. But first, I need ice cream. And wine. And a nice, long crying sesh. A great job would be nice, too. Hire me!
10. I got the job!
Wait, why does this rejection email say, “Congratulations?” Oh, wait, I got a job offer? Yes! Finally! I did it! This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I should definitely sleep on it before I accept.
OK, I thought about it, and I officially told them that I’d like to accept the position! I can’t wait for my first day! I’ve got to make a great impression so that I never have to do this again.
