The stereotypically fraught relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law doesn’t always ring true, but one often cited source of contention might have more of a basis in reality, according to a recent New York Times article: the maternal grandparent advantage.
“You hear this often: Paternal grandparents tread very carefully, mindful that a daughter-in-law might not appreciate their overtures or their frequent presence, anxious that she could limit access to their grandkids,” Paula Span wrote in her New Old Age column. “I thought it an old stereotype, possibly never accurate and certainly now outmoded. But researchers exploring family affiliations point out that a so-called ‘matrilineal advantage’ does exist.”
Span offers evidence from family scientists familiar with the topic like Karen Fingerman of the University of Texas, Austin. Some sociologists theorize that since the duty of “kinkeeping” — e.g., maintaining family relationships and planning meet-ups — often falls to women, it’s easier for mothers and daughters maintain their bond compared to sons.
Fingerman has also found in her research that since the daughter-in-law is often the “gatekeeper” in the relationship, her rapport with her husband’s parents heavily influences their relationship with any grandchildren.
Of course, this is a trend; not a rule. Plenty of wives develop close relationships with their in-laws, and there’s no shortage of people that struggle dealing with their own parents. But Span cites lots of anecdotal evidence supporting this matrilineal advantage, and New York Times readers posted plenty of their own as well.
Here’s what one commenter identified as Sammy wrote:
My mother is closer to my child for a variety of reasons. My mom lives in the same state as me so she has more opportunities to see her, while my MIL sees our child 2-3 times a year (we do pay for the flights down for my MIL twice a year).
My husband is not great about keeping in contact with his mother. He’s not on FB or other social media. He barely answers his cell phone so I tend to act as his secretary but I’m not willing to put in considerable effort beyond nudging him to call on Christmas or Mother’s Day. I work more hours that he does and I simply don’t have the time to work, maintain home and our immediate family and take on the duty of maintaining his relationship with his mother.
A now-adult grandchild named Jess also chimed in with her own childhood experience:
I am a twenty something year old grandchild and I can attest to my friends and I typically being closer to our maternal grandparents. As I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to balance it out. My mother never prevented me from seeing them, it just seemed that my family relied more on my maternal grandparents as my mother relied so heavily on her mother growing up, whereas my father left home at such a young age and was always very independent. As an adult I think I’ve now successfully bridged the gap forged by geography as well as time spent apart. Now that I’m aware of the work required to even the “score”, I will try to go out of my way to prevent it from happening again.
Of course not everyone agreed. Other readers praised their close relationships with daughter- or mother-in-laws and how they’ve developed a strong bond over the years. Lots of comments also mention how perhaps it’s up to the son/husband to take on an active role in kinkeeping.
While no family is ever perfect, this column seemed to hit on one sore spot that rings true for more than most.
(h/t New York Times)
