Anyone in a long-term relationship would agree that arguments with your other half are an inevitable part of life. After all, no partnership is perfect, and the odd disagreement is par for the course.
Still, just because you and your partner have got into a spat doesn’t mean things need to escalate into a full-blown screaming match.
The key to arguing well? Apparently, it’s all down to the language you use.
And it turns out there’s one (very common, we might add) word that you should try and avoid if you want to argue effectively with your other half: ‘but’.
That’s according to psychotherapist Katherine Schafler, who says those three letters can spell big trouble in debates with your loved ones.
‘This word, especially when used during an argument or important conversation with a loved one, is surprisingly powerful,’ Schafler writes in Business Insider.
‘It’s like a little tiny needle that can pop the balloon of all the good, loving, positive things you’ve just said.’
Explaining why this seemingly innocent word can be so disruptive, Schafler argues that ‘but’ can easily put people on the defensive…
‘Using “but” in a sentence generally serves to negate or distill all the positive statements you made before it,’ says Schafler.
‘Sometimes we don’t even consciously register that when we hear the word but, our brains translate it into this: “But = Here’s the catch…”
‘What do we do when we hear there’s a catch? We go on the defensive. We tighten up, we close ourselves off, we challenge the veracity of all the positive statements, we shut down.’
To be fair, we can kind of see what she means. Just think of the last time someone offered you an apology then said ‘but’ before adding a big caveat…
*But* how on earth are we meant to avoid the word “but”? Well, according to Schafler, the key is to swap it for another three-letter word instead: ‘and’.
‘If you’re trying to engender closeness, intimacy and deeper understanding, consider replacing “but” with these statements,’ she advises. “”And”, “At the same time”, “And I want”, “And I don’t want”.’
‘Language is powerful, use the power for good!’
