“YES, THE STYLIST DID A REALLY GREAT JOB.”
So your friend comments on how great your hair is looking these days, but instead of saying “thank you,” you give the credit to someone else. Or on a more serious note, your boss commends you for how well you executed on a tight deadline, but you give the credit to other people you delegated to. Next time you start to do this, remind yourself how hard you worked or take a minute to actually let the attribution sink in; you must believe your compliment to accept it. Resist the urge to feel like the person is just saying it to be nice. (Need help being positive?
“OH, THAT’S NOT TRUE!”
When someone reminds you of how awesome you are, think about what’s going through their head. The compliment giver is so impressed with whatever you did that they went out of their way to make sure you’re recognized for your effort. If instead of smiling and thanking them for their kindness, you argue with them, it doesn’t show any appreciation for how they went out on a limb to make your day.
“The reality is most people are attracted to confident people, people who know their worth and value and respect themselves,” explains psychiatrist Gail Saltz, MD. “So it behooves you to accept compliments in a way that you can incorporate into your self-esteem, and with a genuine appreciation to the person who was kind enough to offer it. It also helps to give you a realistic but positive view of yourself. At first, it really takes effort to change your reaction to compliments. You likely have to rehearse some ways in private to respond so you can more easily try them out in public.”
“REALLY? YOU THINK SO?”
You might worry about coming across as arrogant if you take a compliment at face value instead of questioning it. But accepting that you’ve achieved a goal or you’ve been keeping your nose to the grindstone doesn’t make you sound cocky, it’s simply a fact. “Women are much more likely to demur at a compliment because they have been socialized to believe that being feminine means being self-effacing and overly humble,” says Saltz. “Women often feel it’s not polite, nor comfortable, nor likeable to acknowledge and embrace a compliment.”
“OMG, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”
Again, this is a time when you should turn your attention away from how you’re feeling on the receiving end and consider the giving side. When someone comments positively on your actions, why would you want to conjure up an argument with them by dissing what they just said? “This conveys that you don’t trust them or believe them. This is a way to discredit what they’re saying because you don’t believe it yourself. You’re accusing them of being superficial with you,” Greer explains.
