What do men want from women in the bedroom?
We’ve all heard the one about ‘a lady in the street and a whore in the bedroom’, but how much truth is there in the saying?
After years of researching and writing about sex, I’d say quite a bit – in the second half at least.
Except I’d replace the word ‘whore’ with a wordier but more accurate description: ‘a woman who is sexually confident, adventurous and knows what she wants’.
What’s ironic is that women often suppress their adventurous side when they meet someone they really like for fear it will stop them being seen as ‘wife material’.
I see this a lot: women who normally enjoy mildly ‘kinky’ sex, turning down the naughty volume once they’re serious about someone.
They desperately try not to be the ‘slutty’ girl so he can take them home to meet his Mum, forgetting the ‘slutty’ girl is the one he can’t wait to show off to the lads and wants to ravish in bed. Don’t.
Stay your usual cheeky self – and ramp up the naughtiness rather than tone it down. It’s one of 15 reasons why women are rated ‘great in bed’. How many can you tick off?
THE 15 THINGS THAT SEXY WOMEN DO IN BED
1. They initiate sex
‘She doesn’t initiate sex’ is the top male complaint.
If you always leave it to him to make the advances, the message is loud and clear: I’m only having sex because you want sex.
2. They’re non-judgemental
A woman who doesn’t have an automatic knee-jerk reaction of ‘No!’ to a suggestion of anything slightly unusual, accompanied by an ‘I always knew you were weird’ disgusted look, scores big points in bed.
The true definition of ‘kinky’ is something you don’t fancy yourself.
Everyone has fantasies or predilections that are a bit odd, but we think of our own as ‘quirky’ and other people’s as perverted.
If your partner suggests doing something you haven’t thought of doing yourself, think: Will what he wants to do hurt me or him (or anyone else if it’s more than you two) physically or emotionally?
If the answer is no (or it involves a feel-good type of pain like spanking), then what’s the problem?
Women who men think are great in bed are open to ideas.
But that doesn’t mean they’ll agree to all of them…
3. But they’re not scared to say no
Women who say yes to any and all requests purely to please their partners are the opposite to sexy.
I counselled one man who lost desire for his girlfriend because he could suggest virtually anything sexually (and I do mean anything) and she’d agree to it.
‘It so clearly wasn’t genuine enjoyment,’ he said.
‘She’d watch me carefully to see if she was pleasing me. She never let go, never immersed herself in the moment.
‘She had no idea of what she liked or didn’t like. It was a huge turn-off. I might as well have bought a sex doll.’
Occasionally indulging your partner by doing something he’s more into than you are, is a nice thing to do.
But sexual honesty is essential the rest of the time.
4. They can handle seeing his ‘dark side’
There’s a dark side to male sexuality that operates on an intrinsically primitive level.
Unleash it and you can’t help but see evidence of raw, uncontrollable emotion.
It’s the ‘uncontrollable’ aspect that worries some women.
We think: If he loves doing it this much, what happens if another woman hits on him? How can I trust he will say no?’
Well…you can’t.
But women are just as likely to cheat these days, so he’s thinking the same thing when he’s watching your ecstatic ‘orgasm face’.
In fact, the more often you see evidence of his caveman-type lust, I’d say the less chance you have of anyone else seeing it!
5. They like variety
I get hundreds of emails on this topic: Why won’t she…watch porn with me/let me shave off her pubes/leave her shoes on/watch in a mirror/masturbate for me/go out without underwear on?
What he’s basically saying in all of these requests is give me something I’m not used to seeing or doing.
Imagine eating the same meal every night – a hamburger.
You’d try to vary the taste. One night you’d serve it with cheese. The next bacon. Then avocado and bacon. Then maybe pickles…you get the picture.
Sleeping with the same person for the rest of your life is like having the same meal over and over: you have to mix it up a bit.
Him craving variety shouldn’t be threatening. The truth is, you both need variety.
6. They know what they want
There’s another reason why women feel resentful when their partner suggests trying something new.
We think ‘Don’t you think I’d like something other than two quick grabs of my breasts then your hand sliding down?’.
If the answer is yes I would like more than that, ask for it!
Don’t play passive – be in the instigator. Think about what works for you and what you need to have regular, hearty orgasms and let him know.
7. They’re nice to his penis
It’s not just size men worry about, it’s how hard it is, how long it stays hard and how it looks.
Women who are successful sexually load on the compliments about his penis, pay attention to it, talk to it (avoiding words like ‘willie’ and ‘winkle’ which are fine for out of bed mucking around but not good while in it).
8. They know he’s not a robot
Penises have owners.
Sometimes those owners have off days: they don’t feel well, have a hangover, are stressed or worried about something.
This means they don’t perform at their best.
Women who take wobbly or no erections in their stride and don’t make a big deal of it if he ejaculates too soon, stop temporary problems becoming regular issues.
His erections aren’t automatic and his penis ages just like the rest of him. Reassure him it’s normal rather than act like it’s a personal insult.
9. They’re great at oral sex and like receiving it
I’ve always maintained that how much someone enjoys giving and receiving oral sex is a marker of how good they are going to be in bed.
Despite it being something virtually every Western couple indulges in on a regular basis, putting your mouth on someone else’s genitals and letting them do the same to you is still pretty damn intimate.
Oral sex is far more personal than intercourse and an appreciation on both sides means you’re not squeamish and embrace that sex is messy, sweaty and unladylike.
10. They give tactful feedback
Every man you have sex with wants to be the best you’ve ever had (for ego and also because, if he loves you, he wants you to be sexually satisfied).
He wants directions on how to give you pleasure but he doesn’t want to ask outright for fear of looking stupid.
Award yourself a gold star if you deliver instructions with compliments loaded on top: ‘God that feels fantastic’ before you put your hand over his to show him how you really want it done.
11. They make noise (but not too much)
Ever had sex with someone who was deadly quiet and didn’t make any noise at all?
It’s unnerving: we rely on moans and groans as feedback that our partner’s are having a good time.
Equally as unsettling however are ‘screamers’: people who make so much noise you can’t relax for fear of people listening.
Somewhere in between does just nicely.
12. They’re happy with their body
We all have body image wobbles but an average-bodied woman who likes being looked at and admired naked at least half the time, wins over a supermodel figure that he’s not allowed to see or touch in places for fear of touching the (imaginary) ‘fat bits’.
13. They like dressing up
It’s ironic that we think men spend all their time mentally undressing us with their eyes and, in fact, the opposite is often happening.
They’re adding a G-string, a push-up bra, a pair of heels, a rubber dress.
Looking fat or feeling ridiculous is the main reason women cite for not pulling on the Batgirl outfit/stay up stockings and corset.
If you honestly find what he’d like you to wear to bed genuinely unflattering, put on a pair of heels and a sexy bra and come out in that instead. That’s often all it takes.
14. They big him up – and don’t show him up – to friends
Giving him a lingering kiss on the lips rather than kissing the air beside his cheeks when he’s in company, let’s others know you find him attractive.
Letting slip to big-mouth friend that you love having sex with him and that’s he’s on the big side (etc) is also going to make him feel ten foot tall.
What’s not is telling your big-mouth friend that he’s having erection problems, suffers from premature ejaculation and is hopeless in bed.
15. They don’t regularly fake orgasms
Surprised at the word ‘regularly’?
If he’s doing everything right and been at it for ages and you’re just not going to tip over the edge (you’re tired, not in the mood, anxious because you’re about to get your period), it sometimes seems kinder to fake.
I don’t know one female who hasn’t done that now and then.
What is a problem is faking it when you’re never ever had an orgasm with him or rarely do.
How is he ever going to learn to give you one if he thinks you’re having them regularly?
If you don’t have real orgasms with him, where’s the incentive to have sex?
