I’ve been married three times. My future father-in-law didn’t attend my first wedding — he thought we were too young and not really suited to each other. At the time, I was sad that we didn’t have his blessings but that didn’t stop us from getting married. But as it turned out, he was right. We divorced after 6 years together.
I married my second husband because I was pregnant. I knew it was just a torrid love affair but I hoped that maybe our flame wouldn’t burn out. But, of course, it did. I have no regrets, however, especially when I think about my super daughter and grandchildren. Still, the marriage ended 18 months later.
Everyone knows that the madly in love stage of a relationship doesn’t last forever. Eventually your love matures and while the intensity may grow a bit weaker, the relationship strengthens. Or at least it should unless there are some incompatibilities that spell its doom. But if you’re blinded by love, are you in any condition to judge what the future holds for the two of you? If you’ve been in this situation before — madly in love until suddenly the relationship sits there in pieces — how can you be certain that this time it’s for real?
The third time was the charm for me. I truly believe that most women know, like I did in my second marriage, when something is off. It’s the thing you justify to yourself, the thing you wouldn’t dare say aloud to your friends. But those friends can come in handy here, too. Some say you shouldn’t care what others think, but if you ask your closest friends or family members what they think of your relationship and you get a lot of negative feedback, you may be blind to some obvious faults and this relationship will only lead to heartache. You have to consider that seriously.
Heartache isn’t a death sentence. There is some truth to the old expression, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. And worse than the danger of heartache is wasting a lot of time in a relationship that’s destined to go nowhere. I barely survived the Holocaust and Israel’s War of Independence so to me, whatever time I have on Earth is very precious. Being in a dead-end relationship for months or even years ends up being time stolen from a future relationship that will bring you boundless joy.
What holds many people back from breaking up is the fear of being alone. They would rather be in a bad relationship, or at least one unlikely to last forever, than be single. But today, finding somebody to go out with on Saturday night isn’t impossible. Go to a local bar accompanied by friends and you’ll have a good time and your friends might even act as wingmen. Go with a date, and you’ll leave with that date. Being stuck in a relationship that’s only somewhat satisfying, significantly lowers your odds of finding a good relationship.
Of course there are some basic parameters to fill. Do you prefer to be with him more than 50 percent of the time? How good are you in bed together? (That’s an important factor but maybe not as important as your fantasies. You two could satisfy each other when having sex but if he rarely enters your sex fantasies, then that’s something to worry about.) Does being with him help you attain your goals or is he holding you back? And then there are those men who refuse to commit. If he says he’s satisfied just living together but that’s not your goal, then you must set a time limit for him to change his mind or else be on your way.
But by examining your own doubts and treasuring your best friends’ opinions, you’ll be forced to remove those rose-colored glasses, and without them it may become obvious that he’s not The One. Or, if you’re lucky, seeing him without those glasses will make you love him all the more.
