We may think jealously, money issues or bad communication is the the main reasons some marriages don’t last, but that may not be the case.
One writer Derek Hervey from website Inspire more, was shocked to discover it was actually ‘unmet’ expectations which were the main cause of most relationship breakdowns, reports the Independent.
He says: ‘Just after my wife and I got married, we attended a seminar. In one of the talks, he asked the audience what the biggest cause of divorce was.
‘Since I had just been through premarital counselling, I pretty much felt like an expert at marriage.’
The writer, who is married with a toddler, carried on: ‘ I shot my hand up quickly to answer the question, and blurted out, “Sex, money and communication!” …then looked at my wife next to me and grinned.
‘”Wrong,” the presenter barked back. “Those are symptoms of the real problem.”
‘”The reason marriages end in divorce is because of one thing… unmet expectations.”‘
But are issues with unmet needs what other relationship therapists see?
Prima.co.uk spoke to Ammanda Major, sex and relationship therapist at Relate, who says: ‘We all have different expectations as we come into a relationships – normally driven from past experiences.
‘If you have had a particular unloving childhood you may seek a lot from a relationship, while others who had a loving upbringing could be more independent in a relationship.’
Ammanda believes that exceptions can be met, but communication is important, ‘You need to be vocal about what you can live with and what you can’t. You need to let them know what your deal breaker is, and if they can’t meet them you need to reassess.’
And Derek agrees, writing: ‘It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, married, working, unemployed, old, young or old. Having unmet expectations is lethal to everyone. No one is immune.’
And don’t think you can change someone once you’re married. ‘Behaviour changes can be discussed, but personality changes can’t be made easily. If this is the case you need to look at why you’re with them in the first place,’ says Ammanda.
‘Needs change overtime too. If you’re in a long marriage you both become different people and you need to constantly communicate with each other to make sure you’re meeting those needs.’
