By the time you get to your ninth month, you think you’ve heard all the advice in the world about having a baby, but here are 12 things that folks tend to leave out.
1. You will bleed for a few weeks after.
When I had my first child, I was an adult woman with a college degree and a stack of half-read pregnancy books who had watched numerous episodes of TLC’s A Baby Story, and yet I had no idea that in the days and weeks following childbirth, I would bleed. Sure, I knew my vagina would be tender and sore. But bleeding that was like a heavy, blood-clot-filled menstrual cycle? I had no clue. (Turns out, this is normal. But if you’re worried, always check in with your doctor.) So let it be known to the world: adult diapers and the mesh underpants/magnum-size pads you get at the hospital will be your best friends. Love them. Cherish them. Use them.
2. You will still look pregnant, even when you’re not.
Imagine my shock when, after I pushed an eight-pound human out of my body, I still looked like I was a few months pregnant. The truth about post-baby-bodies is that they don’t shrinky-dink down to their former pre-baby sizes. Your stomach may be round and swollen for a bit after giving birth, and it’s not just extra pounds — your uterus needs time to contract in size. This is normal — not that you’d know it from body-obsessed tabloids — and has become normalized in recent years with women like Kate Middleton showing the world what actual post-baby bodies look like. Embrace your inner Kate and let that sweet baby belly shine.
3. Breastfeeding is not intuitive.
There’s this weird belief floating around (er, maybe just in my head?) that simply because we’re born with breasts means we’re going to naturally understand how to use them once they’re filled to the brim with milk. “Oh yeah,” one thinks, “I’ll just shove these things into my baby’s mouth and the nectar of life shall pass from my boobs to their lips and all will be easeful and joyous!” Nope. Breastfeeding must be learned and practiced, through a crapload of trial and error and painful, nipple-destroying attempts. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not getting it right away. Seek help from lactation consultants, books, the internet, and friends. Pain should be a red flag — and could be anything from your baby having a shallow latch or tongue tie to you having a clogged duct. There’s no shame in asking for help, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong as a mother.
4. Breastfeeding can make you want to eat all the things.
We all hear about pregnancy cravings, so I was surprised to discover during my first pregnancy that I was actually more repulsed by food than I was lusting for it. Almost everything but Lucky Charms, ramen noodles, and Wheat Thins seemed utterly disgusting. Plus, having a person growing inside you means that you often get full really fast. I couldn’t have eaten a pint of ice cream if I wanted to. But behold — breastfeeding cravings! Breastfeeding burns calories, so it made sense I was hungry. But I had no idea that feeding a person from my bosom would turn me into a ravenous creature, salivating at the mouth for smoked meats and salty, sharp cheeses. A day after returning from the hospital, I sent my husband to the grocery store with an order to bring me back “every kind of salami you can find.” I had previously been a vegetarian, but now I wanted only to gnaw at hunks of meat 24/7. It was the best of times, it was the delicious-est of times.
5. Swaddling is hard.
In theory, wrapping a baby in a muslin blanket seems simple, right? You’ve rolled up a burrito before, you can handle it. But when you are face to face with a screaming, hysterical creature who is moving its tiny body like an inexperienced contestant on Dancing With the Stars, and you try to fold its surprisingly strong arms and legs into a blanket like some sort of human origami suit, and you’re doing this on zero hours of sleep, well, let’s just say it’s a whole other thing. And that thing is, seriously, impossible. And then when you finally get baby all bundled up, let me tell you— these 10-pound creatures who can barely see objects directly in front of their faces are masters at escaping from whatever thing you wrap them in. You can tuck, fold, pull, tighten, and zip them into all sorts of contraptions, and still in about five minutes their little arm will be out and they’ll be wiggling their hand in your face like they’re trying to give you the finger. Well played, baby. Well played.
6. There will be a moment where you realize your pre-baby life is gone for good.
It normally happens a week or two after you’ve returned home with your newborn. You haven’t slept since before you went into labor. Your nipples are the size of hockey pucks and keep dribbling milk on every shirt you put on. You’ve been bouncing on a yoga ball while holding your screaming baby for an hour, and it’s 2 a.m., and suddenly it dawns on you: This is your life now. You can’t return the kid to The Baby Store, or call a time-out on this whole newborn thing. This is it. And this realization is often terrifying, exhausting, and demoralizing. Don’t be ashamed if you long for the days of your pre-baby past. It was fun staying out until 4 a.m. and then eating two diner grilled cheeses for breakfast. There’s no shame in mourning your glory days.
7. Sometimes you forget you have a baby. Other times, you check on them every two seconds.
Having a baby is life-changing, and yet in those early days I often found myself totally forgetting that I had a kid now. Perhaps you can chalk it up to the whole I Hadn’t Slept In Two Weeks thing, but I found myself re-remembering that “Oh, right, I am responsible for another human’s life now. And that human is currently swaying back and forth in a lamb-shaped swing in the living room right this second. I should go check on her.” When I was wasn’t forgetting that I made a human, I was checking on her every second of the day. Oh, she’s sleeping? Cool cool, I’ll just stare at her every 90 seconds to make sure she’s still there/breathing/on her back. Who cares if I never sleep again — this is what coffee is for.
8. Slings and carriers and wraps are confusing.
I just GAVE BIRTH, and now I’m expected to know how to take a 20-foot strip of stretchy cloth and wrap it around my body until it just turns into a baby carrier? What do I look like, some sort of maternity magician? These stupid wraps are confusing as all hell, and no matter how many times I practiced, I could not get the goddamn thing to work. Oh, but a carrier will be easier! I thought. Think again, fool! One of them hurt my back, another one rubbed up against my c-section scar. I couldn’t quite figure out how to shove my kid into the godforsaken things. And every time I tried a sling, it felt like she was going to roll out of it, like a hammock attached to my body. Team Stroller 4 Life.
9. You might drop your phone on your baby’s head.
Once upon a time there was a woman who, while breastfeeding late at night, was watching an episode of Friday Night Lights on her iPhone and accidentally dropped said phone on her baby’s tiny, perfect little head. And boy, did she feel like a monster for the next, oh, I dunno, infinity years of her life. But that baby eventually turned into a sassy 6-year-old who can kick soccer balls and read chapter books and calls people “dude,” so rest assured it all worked out and no harm was done. A happy ending! Yes, this woman is me. But if this happens to you, too, try not to freak out (too much). Babies are surprisingly resilient. When my daughter later crawled of my bed and fell on the floor, I was certain that I had ruined her forever, but the pediatrician (yes, call them anytime) assured me she was probably fine. And lo and behold, she’s still falling of beds as a 6-year-old, and doin’ just fine!
10. You may never want to leave the house.
Don’t worry — you’re not a shut-in, you’re a new mom. You’ll get out the door eventually. There’s no need to march out into the streets the day after you come home with a newborn. Especially because it takes at least two hours to feed the baby, change their diaper, pack up the diaper bag, load the kid into the stroller and make sure you have your pants on before you leave the house. So why not stay home? Strap on a breastfeeding pillow, let your boobs hang out, and get comfortable. Enjoy it.
11. You. Will. Google. Everything.
At all hours of the day and night. Your new babe will do something weird, like not 1. poop for a week, or 2. eat nonstop for hours, and off you’ll go to the internet where you can frantically type “is this normal???” into the search bar and message boards, Facebook groups, and articles await with an answer. (1. Yes, and 2. Again yes, it’s called cluster feeding! And it’s brutal!)
12. Maternity jeans are now just your jeans.
I couldn’t fit back into my “old clothes,” after having a kid, so I slipped those maternity jeans on and … never took them off. I wore them from the entire year after both my kids were born. They fit better! They were more comfortable! And when I finally revealed this to my other new mom friends, they all confessed that they too were still rockin’ those sweet sweet maternity panel jeans. The more you know.
