What we choose to focus on determines how we feel. When we change our focus to love and connection, our problems can be solved. When we focus on our needs for love, for growth, and for contribution—on serving beyond ourselves—most emotional problems and sources of pain will disappear.
In many ways, contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs. If you are focused on contribution, you have the Certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way), you have Variety (contribution is always interactive), you have Significance (the commitment to contribution defines you as a rare and extraordinary human being), you have Connection (helping others always creates a spiritual bond), and you have to Grow (to contribute requires going beyond your own needs).
But at times, it’s important to break through the obstacles to allow for growth and contribution. And there are several beliefs that hold us back from doing jsut that. These are what we have to watch out for:
1. The expectations that create problems
Be careful of what you expect from a relationship. Your expectation might become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2. The theories we invent
Beware of the theories you invent to explain your relationships. Remember that we become attached to our theories no matter how inaccurate they might be.
3. The power of helplessness
Avoid resorting to helplessness as a source of power. It’s not the kind of power that is conducive to a happy, permanent bond.
4. The plan for our relationships
Remember that if you don’t plan your relationships, someone else will.
5. The emotions that rule
Practice experiencing the emotions that you enjoy experiencing instead of continuing to react to people or situations that upset you.
6. The beliefs that limit us
Don’t poison yourself with negative beliefs about yourself and others.
7. The values that guide us
Establish as your highest values those that are consistent with happy, permanent bonds.
8. The responsibilities we avoid
Take responsibility for your relation- ships, and remember that you can change them to what you want them to be.
9. The blame we assign
Stop blaming everyone and everything else—your parents, your partner, your chemistry—for your problems. You have the power to choose to have the relationships you truly want.
