Maintaining a strong marriage isn’t easy. High-profile cases of marital disaster that involve public figures caught cheating on their spouses can highlight the more dramatic indiscretions that can destroy a marriage. For most married couples, though, the issues that challenge their marriage are more mundane: financial and job stress, personality differences, divergent values, or the pressures of child rearing and caring for aging parents. Couples who manage to keep their love alive and their marriage strong in spite of the inevitable challenges are fortunate, but their success is not just a matter of luck (it’s a matter of affair-proofing your relationship).
Happily married couples know they need to actively nurture their love to keep it fresh and vibrant (like trying these tune-ups for an improved bond). They also understand that it will wax and wane over the course of time. They can tolerate the rough spots and they know how to rekindle their romance when the flame grows dim.
Successful couples actively draw on knowledge and skills that help them sustain their loving relationship over a lifetime. The good news is that those skills and strategies can be learned. Even couples who are struggling can develop these skills and turn around their marriage, if both spouses are willing.
Every marriage has its challenges, but you can think of each challenge as an opportunity to steer your relationship back on course. So, what are the ways you can nourish your marriage and keep it strong? Here are seven key strategies that all couples in satisfied marriages adhere to. And while no one can stick to them perfectly at all times, your chances of a lasting, loving relationship are much, much better if these are your goals.
1. Make sure the time you spend together is a lot more positive than negative
Research by John Gottman, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Washington, and author of A Man’s Guide to Women, has shown that couples who stay happily married for the long haul have five times more positive than negative interactions with each other. That’s not to say they don’t have conflicts or rough spots. They just choose not to dwell on them. They find ways to enjoy spending time with each other, even doing things as simple as taking a walk or watching TV together.
2. Express appreciation often
One of the best ways to create positive energy between you and your partner is by sharing appreciation. From the ridiculously simple (“Thanks for doing the dishes.”) to the sublime (“I’m so grateful to be sharing my life with you.”), your acknowledgment helps your partner feel valued and happy to be with you.
3. Make time for intimacy
The tender moments that nourish your relationship need time and intention. Turn off your computer, don’t answer the phone, and give each other the gift of your loving attention (just use these 30-second love plays for a better sex life). Whether you share loving words, glances, or touch, the willingness to create a sacred space for intimate connection is essential.
4. Accept rather than find fault
Don’t expect your partner to be perfect. When you look at your partner, what do you see? The essential beauty or the warts? Examining your spouse’s warts with a magnifying glass will make you both miserable. I’m not suggesting you tolerate abuse or abandonment. But valuing your partner’s good qualities, rather than focusing on his or her weaknesses, is a key ingredient of marital success.
5. Manage your expectations
Don’t expect your partner to satisfy all your needs. If your partner doesn’t share your passion for the theatre, go with friends. If your spouse is not into hiking, join an outing club. Shared interests are great, but the core of a happy successful marriage runs much deeper than that.
6. Handle conflict constructively
Develop loving ways to express your dissatisfaction that enhance rather than erode your relationship. Every couple experiences disagreements. Wise couples realize this, and know how to express their anger, resentment, or disappointment with care. They value and acknowledge their partner’s feelings and point of view, even if they don’t share them.
7. Commit to your marriage
Appreciate that your relationship is a work in progress, and don’t expect it to be perfect. Embrace the rough patches and see them as opportunities to grow in maturity and deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner. View your marriage as a spiritual path that can help you and your partner develop to your fullest potential.
