Why do people have sexual fantasies?
Ever fantasize about having a threesome? Or having your wrists bound to the bedpost in an extra-steamy sex session? Well, you are far from alone: For a study published in 2014, researchers asked more than 1,000 adults about the contents of their sexual fantasies and found a few common themes. Fifty-seven percent of women, for example, said they had dreamt about having sex with two men, while 37% had fantasized about sex with two women. And 46% of men said they fantasized being tied up.
But why do we have fantasies in the first place? “They’re a powerful way to increase arousal, and distract from anxiety,” explains Ian Kerner, PhD, a New York City-based sex therapist. “A lot of people fantasize during sex and may be conflicted about it—but the fantasy could be doing a valuable service of helping compartmentalize stressors that normally get in the way of arousal.” In other words, fantasies help you escape from everyday life, and reach that blissed-out state where nothing matters except what’s happening right in the moment.
No two sexual fantasies are exactly alike, of course, but they do tend to fall into one of five categories: submission, domination, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and group sex. Scroll down to learn about the unspoken desires each type may represent.
Submission
In a submission fantasy, you make yourself vulnerable to the will of your partner in some way. Maybe you are blindfolded or handcuffed; or your partner whips or spanks you. This scenario can be especially thrilling if you’re used to always being in control, Kerner explains. Imagine a CEO who spends the majority of her time telling others what to do and how to do it; she may be turned on by the idea of giving in completely to her sexual partner. “Many fantasies offer a counter point to our real lives,” he says.
In some cases, submission fantasies can be therapeutic, too. For a survivor of sexual assult, the scenario that unfolds in her imagination may be related to her trauma: “The fantasy offers the chance to reactivate a painful memory, but be in control,” Kerner says. “It can have a healing effect.”
He gives this example: “One woman I worked with who experienced date rape had a fantasy about being Super Girl, and her boyfriend is a villain with kryptonite that renders her weak.” She was re-living her trauma, but in a safe environment, and through the lens of pleasure rather than pain, Kerner explains.
Domination
A domination fantasy is all about being control, whether that means tying up your partner, or simply calling the shots on positions. This type of fantasy tends to be popular among women who are in relationships with traditional gender roles, says Kerner. “A normally submissive person who feels powerless a lot of the time may enjoy fantasies that center around her sexual power.”
Exhibitionism
Have you ever thought about getting busy with the blinds open, excited by the possibility that a neighbor might catch you in the act? Or have you thought about what it would be like to have your partner watch you masturbate? If so, you may be turned on by so-called exhibitionism fantasies, another very common type of fantasy.
An exhibitionism fantasy involves any scenario in which you perform a sexual act for an audience, whether it’s your husband or girlfriend or an unsuspecting stranger. It can create a sense of vulnerability that can be a turn-on.
Typically, sexual fantasies have one central theme, says Kerner: “Most of them involve some kind of power exchange.”
Voyeurism
Many movies and television shows have depicted voyeurism, which is the act of secretly watching others engage in sexual acts. But voyeurism doesn’t just happen on the big screen; it’s the stuff of many fantasies too. In a voyeuristic fantasy, you may want to watch your partner masturbate, for example, or spy on him via webcam.
It’s important to note that not all sexual fantasies are scenarios people actually want to act out. The scenario may remain in the fantasy stage forever—and that’s perfectly O.K., says Gracie Landes, a New York City-based marriage and family therapist. “Fantasizing can simply be an escape, a way of daydreaming,” she explains. “Just like people don’t share every thought that comes into their head, they don’t need to share every fantasy.”
Group sex
In pop culture, threesome fantasies are often portrayed as a point of contention for couples. But if you’re in a committed relationship, says Kerner, a threesome fantasy probably has less to do with wanting sex with a stranger and more to do with wanting to see your partner in a state of pleasure.
Kerner says some couples interested in group sex will dip their toes into the scenario by going to a sex party and simply watching. If you’re interested in actually trying a real-life threesome, Kerner suggests pitching the idea to your partner in a way that feels inclusive: Have an open dialogue about why you want to invite a third person in, he says. “Present it in a way where you’re not diverging from your partner,” says Kerner. Rather, the idea is you’d be experimenting together.
Is it healthy to act on a sexual fantasy?
For some people, simply imagining or talking about their fantasies is enough to create arousal and sexual fulfillment. But acting on your sexual fantasies is healthy as well, if done with proper communication. “If [fantasies] enter reality, they need to be monitored and done safely and consensually,” says Kerner. If you’re interested in BDSM, for example, don’t jump into it 50 Shades of Grey-style. Discuss expectations and limits with your partner before doing anything new and kinky. And this goes without saying, but don’t act on sexual fantasies that are illegal or inappropriate for the workplace.
How to tell your partner about your fantasies
When you’re ready to broach the topic with your partner, start by asking permission to share your fantasy, says Landes. “It’s easier to share fantasies with someone you already share hopes, dreams, and creative thoughts with—who knows about how you imagine and daydream, and feels included in the process.”
When explaining your fantasy, consider how your partner feels about fantasies. Is she a dreamer, too? Does she think logically? You might talk about why you think you have a particular fantasy. Also be sure to make it clear that you want to have the fantasy with your partner.
If she is receptive, ask if she’d be interested in trying it. But if you partner isn’t interested, be respectful of her decision, and try to understand where she’s coming from. “I see too many couples where the person who has fantasies gets critical of the one who doesn’t, and vice versa,” says Landes. “Some people are simply more inclined to fantasy and imagination than others.”
The bottom line: Your sex life can still be fulfilling whether or not it includes acting out your fantasies IRL.
