Having sex and making love are not always the same. Our culture has driven the sensuality of our lovemaking experience and reduced it to a get-some-pleasure and release-some-tension pit stop. Sure, an occasional quickie can be great, but when’s the last time you slowed down your sexual experience and turned the night into an event?
Making love requires slowing time. It means settling into the parasympathetic nervous system, which is a more relaxed state. This is where we heal, digest, recover, and, yes, get into the sensuality of our sexuality. This is often easier for females than males (yes, a gross generalization), but we’re all capable of doing this.
Here’s the big secret of tantra: Human sensuality is actually driven by the female (yin) energy. Now, if you’re in a same-sex relationship, this doesn’t exclude you. It simply means to follow the more yin, or passive, energy curve, and allow it to open and guide you into the experience.
We don’t do sleep, and we can’t really do orgasms. Sure, we can hyper-excite the nerves and take it over the top, but that’s not the energy we’re talking about today. Today we relax into the experience and allow for the space to open up. For many people, this means setting the stage. Candles, low light, soft music, and maybe a bottle of wine are all nice to set the mood. It’s important to create a distraction-free space where you can enjoy some time together and go there. No phones!
It may mean waiting till the kids are asleep. That’s fine, but then get to it! Don’t go watching 3 hours of TV before heading upstairs to also squeeze this in. That totally misses the point. The practice is to make an evening (or a good afternoon) of it. Get into that room, set the mood, and block off the time to relax into an experience of lovemaking.
All too often, our goal-oriented minds spill over into the bedroom, and we have a get-it-done mentality where it’s inappropriate. Not here, not in the bedroom. If your partner has an issue with this, maybe play a single or double-sided no-orgasm game. Practice hanging out and enjoying a sensual space without the sudden exit of climax. If you’re the type who can have multiple orgasms and stay in that space, well, good for you (today’s lesson is probably not a newsflash either). Relax. Sink.
Breathe together to your lower abdomen and connect up at the lower dantian (three fingers below your navel). Syncing your breathing will do this. From there, feel how the energy rises up the spine, and stay with this energy. Relax into it. Let it guide and illuminate your inner universe. Don’t go for climax. Instead, today’s lesson is to relax into the space you’ve co-created and savor it. With some practice, this will give you a whole new perspective on stopping time.
